Loneliness

2009-08-14T19:09:00.000-07:00

i dunno wad to update about

I guess coming back to indo does have its pros n cons
pros: my mindset broadened!
now i can concentrate on my studies!
n besides, since i hate it here, that hate will drive me to do more!
i promise i'll go far far away frm here!
although other adults says that i'm being irresponsible for leaving my mum if i were to go
but they only care about my mum this my mum that
since no one cares about my well being, i will take care of it myself
i really NEED the time myself, away from my (cursed) big family
furthermore, i'm not the only child
wad about my bro?
y dun anyone plan for him to do this n that?
y is it only me?
besides he's a guy
so shudnt he be the one who takes care of the f.a.m.i.l.y?
wad the heck
well thats precisely y i hate myt own fam
the biased-ness is so thick!

i'm sure i'll be happier outside
i'll just endure this round
i noe n i believe that He is training me for my future
i'll pray more for HIs guidance
if i get my emotions n feelings to get me through
i'm sure i'll be ruined n everything else will
sigh sigh sigh

I guess i'm experiencing hell
n i dun wan to experience it again
my youth days are full of bitter-ness!

2009-08-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

In a dilemma!!!
Physics or Bio+Chem?!
Astrophysics or Biotech?!
(if biotech) Indusrtial or health sciences?!
ugh

2009-05-25T03:32:00.000-07:00

PHYSICS REDO ON THURS
MATH RETEST ON TUES (I PASSED, though)
sigh
i tot EOY was over
but i guess NOT
computer also
sian =.=
COOKING ON 2 JUNE!!!
TIRAMISU!!!!

2009-05-18T05:11:00.000-07:00

I FLUNKED PHYSICS!!!!!!!
oh man
was expecting that
but man
i disappoint the teachers
cos they dun expect me to flunk any
but one
sigh
i think mr setyo sort of bet (not wid money)
with other teachers that i wont fail any test =.=
but i did
so shud i be happy for him or sad?=p
ANYWAY NICHOLAS
dun apologise =D
's not ur fault =)

2009-05-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

oh man
i guess God didnt want me to sin
for having those ugly ugly thoughts
my previous post is gone
it was so emo
so dark that i doubt my close friends wouldnt think that i'd ever think of that
killing and stuff
commit suicide etc
pure hatred blah blah blah
dun judge a book by its cover
i'm not that kind and innocent
well no longer
maybe i was in the past
shrugs who noes
well no one noes
man i feel like a mad woman
talking no sense tsk tsk tsk

2009-05-17T07:58:00.000-07:00

i thought i cud get over it
but only to realise
when someone mentions it
it all resurfaced
the frustrations, hatred, pure hatred which shouldn't be there, depair, agony
and worst of all irreplacable rue
nicholas said something which he never intended to do any harm
but yeah it made me remember y i wrote that at the back of my note
"don't take things for granted"
i did take things for granted
thinking that "yeah, i'll just concentrate on my work. thats wad they wanted me to do. i'll talk to them when its over. i'll see them soon anyway..."
but in reality i cudnt
i didnt even noe when was the last time i talked, hear his voice
but now its too late cos his already gone forever
i feel like i'm such a horrendous daughter, unfillial
so now i can only cry when i remember...

A little recollection

2009-05-17T04:08:00.000-07:00

YAY!
finally EOY over
but i think i flunk math n phy
A lvl standard, or so they say
more like S1 standard to me lo
-.- stupid timmy neutron
i passed up the wrong hmwrk cum test
so i'm gonna get 20?!
so absurd!
i worked hard ok
at least i TRIED to do ur crazy hmwk
unlike most ppl in the class who just copied OURS!
BLEAH!
besides i slept for merely 4 hrs just to study for ur test!!!!
physics is a killer!
study from afternoon till 1 in the morning
then 5:25 wake up to STUDY again
wow =.=
argh
i lost my beauty sleep
n so i cant concentrate on bio -.- ugh
double jeopardy?

I UPDATED LE!!!!
will update some more
probably to show my horrendous results!

THX PONG PONG FOR SCANNING SOME NOTES =D=D=D=D=D=D

2009-04-23T05:07:00.000-07:00

sad
i noe,
y cant it be me instead?
its not that i dun wan him to visit there
but
i guess i was just envious
jealous that y cant i do the same
caged here
damn it

2009-04-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

hmmm
havent been touching on any hmwks
so i'm skipping school?
though this week's a holiday
no questions so y go to school rite??
maybe when i have one
or when i finished reading the whole 1333 pages of physics
and done over 50 questions about it all =.=
my goodness
physics a killer

erm i dun think that i'm becoming positive enough
haha
but i think
i'll try to be more positive
aint worth being -ve all the time rite??

2009-04-21T03:49:00.001-07:00

so sleepy
today
i'm supposed to be heading to Australian Education Centres
but it was canceled & it cant be helped
as a result?
me, being a sleepy head throughout the entire day
*yawns*
i was finally able to get my hands on Twilight English version!
OMG!(you nvr noe how hard/expensive it is to get an English book over here)
heart-ache
thx to Clarissa!
(one hella rich kid i guess)
gd thing that she or her sister is so into Twilight
anyway i got a new kipling bag!
though i wanted a red crumpler or ********* (i frgt the name, blame it on my STM)
sigh
dunno wad else to say
but i still MISS my past
A LOAD

nevertheless, i'm very very grateful for each day that i'm still breathing
not ready to die yet, so i'm really happy to find that i'm still alive and kicking
-weird post?-

2009-04-19T07:08:00.000-07:00

ahhhhh
sian
i'm not a walking chem guide ok???
even i have my weaknesses???
and this is a TEST
so shudnt there be no 'TEAMWORK' or wad so ever?
WHERE IS YOUR INTERGRITY?!
Urgh

oh man
i really really miss the time i spent in singapore
i really took things for granted i guess
as a result
i broke so many promises =(
wid xin ping, qiu yan, fidah, cherie, nad and anii
sigh
really sorry guys
even i wished to go back there n fulfil it all
but it doesnt seem possible =(

now i hate hols
i'd rather go back to school
n study
study
study
n study like mad
that'd get me out of this hell hole look alike?
hope so =/

2009-04-14T04:47:00.000-07:00

as i have promised
maybe i'll share abit about wad have been troubling me much
ever since i came back

i dunno how many of u ppl (if there's anyone visiting my blog)
noe the real reason y i came back to indo
i keep using the reason of "family problem"
which is actually partly true
cos in actual fact, its bcuz my dad passed away...
and so, thats when the torture begins

i nvr realised how strained the relationship between my dad and his siblings
n i can finally see how much they detest my fam
1. they just decide on their own and pull me out of sgp
so i broke my promise to my close friends (i promised that i wud be back)
2. those Bit**es who nvr called me, or even bother knowing me started spreading nasty rumours about me. PLS! they see ntg, but hell, they sure have alot to say, alot to crap about
3. as a result, whole fam affected
all dislike ours, all against us
HOW WONDERFULL
they still have the nerve to pretend to be so 'caring' about my dad after he died
before, they mocked him in his deathbed, dun even care visiting him much in the hospital
and many more

anyways
so now i'm very, extremely burdened about all these
and school didnt manage to make me frgt of all those bitter memories for one bit
...
cant do much i guess
since they are adults, have the 'power' to say all they want
all they wan to crap
but then, most of my uncles n aunts are DUMB enough to believe all the stupid things the 3 'goddess of rumour' said
REALLY DUMB

sigh
and i'm grounded!
cos the transport system here in indo sucks big time
cant go out anywhere
(also bcuz of the stupid rumour)
but then wad hurt me the most is that
noone trust me
but trust them more
even who is suppossed to be the closest to me
my parent
wad an agony

i even thought of suicide b4
but then
it wud b a great sin!
so i'm gonna live up my life to prove those #@%&$%!^!&*!! wrong
i'm so gonna prove them wrong
for now, i'll let u enjoy ur sweet victory, u murders

[it'll take time for me to frgt all these, a huge amt of time. And i'm told to frgive thm. thats the hardest]

what has passed is the past

2009-04-14T04:28:00.000-07:00

its been a LONG while since i last updated
shud start complaining about my life again!
lol
stress =.=
school doesnt seem to be as fun as before anymore
its boring
the teachers are kinda...too bossy?
and seriously, the school is having too much of day off!
not that i dun like hols
but!
the teachers are all rushing the syllabus
so dun really care whether we, students, understand or not
as long as they finished their part, done
have to study on our own -.-

ARGH
I MISS SINGAPORE SO MUCH!
ESP the ppl i noe, ppl i've met
sigh
=(
SIAN

in the past, it was homesick
now?
cannot say homesick cos now i'm at home
SINGAPOREsick??

2008-11-15T05:57:00.000-08:00

her friend here to help her post .
currently tokinq to her .
i soooo miss her ! D:

fei has no

internet now .

if eui wann

to contact her .

call her house .

only call on fri at

afternoon or sat

yeah .

loveeee fei uhs ت

2008-08-09T22:40:00.000-07:00

I seriously dun understand
Both sides are coming up with different stories
Which doesnt match
And I dunno who to listen to, let alone trust
They say trust is a big word
But arent family ties based on trust?
For goodness's sake
I'm in the midst of examinations
And my concentration spans have shrunk drastically
And here you are,complaining to me
Venting your frustrations on me
WHEN I'M STUDYING, OF ALL TIMES
You can always talk to me or complain to me any other time
You told me to concentrate on my studies, which I've tried HARD
But you're destroying everything
By complaining about how they are doing
How "stupid", "konyol" and "ga ada otak" to you
yada yada
Although I sometimes see some truth in the things you said
So wad if I'm their daughter?!
Why are you venting your frustration you had on them to me?
Yes, I do appreciate it all
For telling me their conditions and everything
Since they have ALWAYS refused to tell me ANYTHING
Due to some freaking idiotic reasons they had
Like dun wan me to worry or some other shit
(precisely why I HATE it the most when ppl says that to me)
Hello?! A family shud go through all these difficult times TOGETHER
Why are you excluding me of all these?
SCREW IT
It makes me feel like I'm an outsider

Are you going to take away my sense of belongings further?
I already dun belong to anywhere
Not here, not there
By excluding me, then wad?

Next time if you're frustrated over them
TELL THEM OFF YOURSELF
I can't do much since they themselves all all talk
They say YES and everything
But they dun do wad they preach
I'm doing wad I can over here
Wad everyone wants me to do
No, wad the ADULTS wan me to do
Then let me do it with peace

I have no life
I've always been living on other people's expectations
But I've driven to one corner
I tried my best
Not my very best?
So I've not done enough?
I guess it will nvr be enough
But I've had enough
Can't take it anymore
I feel like
I'm just a tool, a yardstick
To see whose are the better ones
Just for the glory, titles, respect
Like a mannequin

Basically I dunno whose words to trust
Not even my family at times
They told me not to do it
But they themselves did it
OH WOW
So you wan me to follow your footsteps?

Wad am I?
Am I deemed to fail?
To be the inferior ones at all time?
Is my worth measured by my family's background?
How well they did?
Even if I do well in things
It was nvr good enough in their eyes
Then why am I
Doing all these things
More of for their sake
And not mine
As a way to prove myself
My worth and everything

Nazakenai
Pathetic beyond words

Wad a post
Heh

I'm supposed to live
Not for others (except God)
But for my own

Why do You always seems so distant?
I wan to draw strength from You
I wan to rely on You

2008-07-28T05:58:00.000-07:00

Hehe I shall post abit for today?
Its been AGES since I last posted
Blame my laziness!
If I were to say that I SUPER DUPER lazy, would anyone believe me?
Probably Anii? Might have some doubts too,no?
Joined katakisasi!
Super worried
Am I ready for another commitment?

Sigh I think SO MANY people knows about it already
Even people I dun really expect to know
Which makes me even more awkward to talk to him
Oh well what the heck
Broken pieces that were lost will never return

My knee is getting worse too I think
At least it doesn't get any better
Go check up!!!

Argh
Why can't just some people
Not becoming selective and only reply selective messages?
At LEAST you can tell me that you will update me again at a later time?
PUH-LEASE I'm getting more and more frustrated over this issue already
Where's your initiative?
Response?
And I've INFORMED YOU that I need an auto-reply
Tell that to the kouhai as well!
So that neither of us have to waste our PRECIOUS sms-es
!@#$%^&*(#@!#$%^%$#@$%^&*^%$#@$%^&%$^&!!!!!!!!!!!!
(No particular meaning)

I wanna find part time job!
I wanna work!
I need to save up for dear dear VIOLIN!
And a decent hand phone which doesnt go mad at times and type what I didn't type
And a proper bag which doesnt CURL all my books and files
Oh man
So many needs
Or is it a want?? O.o

I
Am
Speechless
At the moment

Stress! So many tests!!!
But still
Stress = Driving force
It'll allow you to strife hard for better (results, for moi)

Dunno wad else to say
TATA
ANIII!!!! I wanna go to the cosplay!!

2008-06-09T17:25:00.000-07:00

This shall be a short post
Went to Joyce's house for the 1st time
Ate ben & jerry ice cream?
And got bitten by alot of mosquito :/
Had girls talk too...ehehe

I dunno wad else to blog about...
DECLARATION: I WANNA LEARN VIOLIN BADLY!!!!!!!

2008-06-04T20:21:00.000-07:00

Managed to complete History ISPL
Cos it was the shortest
Hahs
I finally got the engraved ring!
After 3days or more of waiting =.=
Engrave ring also need 3days meh?
But got scratches already!
TT_TT
Class chalet was fun!
Except for the gore movie they watched in the morning when I'm trying real hard to sleep since I FINALLY got a nice spot to sleep
I still remember wad rong xiang said
He's trying not to make it sound so gore by saying that the brain which got taken out ( if i'm not wrong) as something (the brain) wid lots of strawberry juice
Sound disgusting lo
Totally didn't sleep at all thx to the coffee I drank at midnight
Went to star gazing aka satellite gazing =p hahas
Oh ya when the guys had bonding time while watching their all time fave,soccer
We the girls are having some sort of "girl talk"
Gd thing the guys were so occupied by the TV
Haha knew alot of secrets!
And the truth was told!
Well except for mine maybe?
Cos I wasn't really sure of it myself mah
Can't remember much but yeah it was uber fun
But had to go for air rifle training =.=
Sian
So sleepy & tired,how to shoot
But ended up not shooting wid fidah
After that 7 of us (me,nad,cherie,fidah,florence,louisse and yi ren) went to look for thing to give to the 2 rather old ppl at lot 1
And I got the shock of my life myself also ok?!
Cos it was unexpected
(I dunno how it all started or how it happened)
Now many ppl know already =.=
Oh gosh
I think the most shocked people are nad,fidah and florence
Cherie went home and didn't see it
But I'm shocked too,ok?!
Oh well,time to go continue the ISPL
Bleah!
Lazy,I feel sleepy

(missing ya as always)

2008-05-30T02:16:00.000-07:00

ISPL IS KILLING ME
Dun have the mood to do it
Some already finished 2 sets =.=
OMG
As for me...
Not a single one completed
The laziness is taking over my body!!!
I wanna play play play!
Watch watch watch!
Go out go out go out!
ITS THE LONG AWAITED HOLIDAY FOR GOODNESS'S SAKE!
Yet I have to bury bury bury myself under the HUGE pile of I.S.P.L!
KUSO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanna buy so many stuff...
It's a NEED and not a WANT,OK??
But...Kane ga nenda
I wanna go find part time job TT_TT
But it might affect moi's studies
Sigh...
What to do what to do
Where's my break???!!!!!!

{The complains shall end here today}

2008-05-29T07:16:00.000-07:00

Alright I'm updating...
Blog has been dead for a while
Time to revive it?
Nah
Was lazy

DATTE! My results
Drop like bird shit falling from the sky
*Splat*
Disappointed with myself
Everyone go "You call your results shit. Then ours are? Worse than shit?"
Different ppl have different views
I have high expectation of myself
DAME KAI?
If you dunno how it feels then don't bother saying anything
Kakkotsukette, acting like you know everything
Tsk, it annoys me

ANYWAY APART FROM HORRIBLE SA1
Just came back from camp yesterday!
Joyce ate paper!!!
Kinda unbelivable
How can she not notice the paper while eating the pinapple tart??
Paper girl >Rock climbing was tough...
Cos I chose the wrong route to climb
Kept on slipping and falling =.= nyaro!
2nd day was cho-fun!
KAYAKING EXPEDITION!
So cool can?
2nd time kayaking
When we set off to East coast park from changi, the weather was fine
I partnered sherry!
She so cute can?
Another hyper bunny
We even picked up litters found drifting in the sea
HAHAS
Then we beached up at east coast and have lunch there
3e1 girls,excluding me, has started talking about pretty obscene things...
Even told Zee, one of the instructor
Gosh
So embarrased for wearing the same shirt as them -.-
Then the weather got worse when we decided to head back
Storm was coming, currents got stronger,making it harder to paddle
Me and sherry got stuck
We kept moving front and back for more than 13 min instead of moving forward!
Almost gave up
Then the instructor heard thunder and told us all to beach up
We were only half way the journey back
Then rained,heavily
SO cold
After the rain subsided, we quickly head back
Since it seems that more storms might be coming up
Then, me and sherry changed partner
Dun wanna get stuck again mah
So she partnered YUEN KAI (aka donkey)
And me with Sachin
Sachin can kayak!!!
He so strong lo
Didn't get pushed away by the current so much!
But weather got worse
And we almost hit the water breaker!
ABUNAI!
Total distance travelled = approximately 4km
Its actually quite short but very tiring for beginners like moi here
After kayaking,its solo night!
Kowai!
I went with sherry
Destination was the yellow beacon
Wasn't really scary
But on the way back I got spooked
Thx for telling the ghost stories
If they never tell us anything, I wouldn't be scared on the journey back =.=
Kuso
Bloody Ngee Ann yaro-domo
Dunno when to sleep
Make so much noisy that we can't sleep
I wanna bash them up REEAALL BAD

Anyways that's that for today
Me really lazy nowadays
ISPL IS HERE TO KILL KILL AND KILL

PS: aitai yo...its getting pretty bad ><
can't control my emotions! I dun wanna lose this, after so long I've finally found it and able to grasp it

2008-04-17T05:37:00.000-07:00

No matter how hard I tried
No matter how hard I was hurting
Those who I had hoped that they would notice
Didn't notice it
Whereas those who I didn't really expect
Found something was wrong with me
I was touched
Glad,grateful
This thought me to appreciate them
That they are friends worth keeping

I can't take this anymore
Just can't
It's pilling up
Too much
That it's suffocating me
They told me not to care
Don't be bothered by it
But how to?!
Yeah I did what I could
Guess it wasn't enough
Those who are supposed to see it didn't
In fact,there's only one person who sees it
Can't help to feel dejected
Disappointed when I shouldn't
To the wrong group of people
People call me 'nerd','study freak' whatever it is
They just dunno the reason behind it all
They can't understand & they will never
I'm surprised that she could
And i'm happy of course
She noticed that
I become the so called 'study freak'
'Cos that's the only thing I can do to compensate it all
By my grades
But 'cos of all these
It has affected it greatly
I doubt I can compensate it well enough
Everything I do will never be enough

Just wanna thank Anii
If you were a guy,I would definitely fallen in love wid ya!!>.<

2008-04-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I last updated my blog!
Eons ago

Anyway there's nothing but stress stress and more stress

Today I had air rifle training
And my standard dropped like no one's business
=.=
Argh and was 'humiliated' by the coach
1st target: 'lotus' cos got so many random holes all over
But the score is not so bad lo!72/100!!!
But no grouping =.=
2nd target: 'caterpillar/dragonfly' ... coach and I were speechless...
Though score was abit better than the 1st round...76/100
3rd target: 'bu hao' ... I knew he wud say that lo...
No grouping... 3rd year of grouping without standard...HUMILIATING
SCHOOL TEAM SOME MORE...SIGH!
4th target: another 'bu hao' as the coach shakes his head =.=
Going to depression mode while still continue to shootthe last card
5th target: (looks better,got grouping)*stare at coach for tiny glimpse of hope*
...'hai hao' that's that... so depressing...
Get my post?
I doubt anyone understands
If only I can scan my cards and put them here...
Tata for now

STRESS

2008-03-31T06:19:00.000-07:00

Random entry
Note to self: GROW TALLER!!!!! >_<

2008-03-31T05:37:00.000-07:00

Sigh someone just told me that the prev post too ******
So I shall blog about something...happy?
Demo...ntg fun or happy has happened
By the way,I'm kinda looking forward to collecting the class jersey for e1!
Wonder how it'll turn out
Probably collecting them on wednesday before sports day
Hopefully there's no remedial!
I want a long term break
Breaking down soon
Like fragments of a broken glass

Placed my hope and faith to the wrong person
Now there's no turning back
The clock keeps ticking
Time waits for no man

Kyrie eleison
Christe eleison

Qui tollis peccata mundi
Suscipe deprecationem nostram
Qui sedes ad dextram Patris,miserere nobis

Forgive all my wrong doings

2008-03-31T01:50:00.000-07:00

Expressiveness and frankness
I know that's what I'm lacking
Bothersome

So many troubles so many things to settle
I know you're directly shooting on me
Hello!
You annoy me,so I gave you those that you would call 'attitude'
For a friendship to end is always painful
BUT
What makes you think that I don't treasure it?
I do
But you're the one who make me change my mind
By keep crossing over the boundaries
That i set
And being so pushy and selfish
Ask so much
Where's my freedom?!
I do things I want
And say or tell those I want to tell
You don't seem to understand what I've said so far
What makes you think that I'll die or something when the friendship is over?
Don't overestimate yourself

Do you know what you've did wrong?
You said you'll do something about it or change
But from what I can see
You're just repeating the same thing
It irks me so much
TEME what do you think you are?
You're the one pressurizing me you know that?!

What I did previously was a mistake
Giving ppl the wrong impression and such
That's I stating clear my line
Of where you and I should stand
Can you understand? Nah I doubt so

Gosh I;m talking crap again
Complain,complain,complain
This line sounds so familiar
...
Putting these aside
I just wanna say
I WANNA LEARN VIOLIN!!!!!!
I think I'm in love with it too!!!!
The sound!
It soothes my heart,soul and mind
Note to self: It's uber suitable for hot-tempered people like MOI truly

2008-03-28T06:27:00.000-07:00

Excessive stress can kill
Its affecting my day
Even scolding the class
Though they are at fault too
But I'm like channeling all my anger on them
=.=
Gomenasai
As bad as till they dun dare to disturb me for the whole day
Nor dare to talk to me

Haiz...
Too many things bothering me
Too many things needs immediate attention
Its killing me
Why can't the condition internally get better?
Hello! Its been more than a YEAR already!
Get moving pls I beg of you,DAD!
Your burden is my burden too
You both told me not to think about it
But how do you expect me not to?
Its something that I have to settle too!
So it'll affect me too automatically
So PLS PLS SETTLE IT ASAP

Don't make my life miserable
You don't sound like you mean what you said to me
The whole thing seems empty
A lie,delusion perhaps?

2008-03-21T03:14:00.000-07:00

Today enrolment GOH was better than the officers expected
YAYNESS!
Thank God my knee lasted the entire day
Though now aching =.=
Expected

Promotion and Dedication today too
And not everyone is happy about it
Cos some say they have doubts with their capability
Or due to the conflicts which cause someone not to be promoted,I heard
Anyway my vote ZHONG!
Chang Yen become the CSM
Li Ying ACSM
Congrats to both!
Our batch this year,many want to be a PC
Including moi
And I got it!
PC for Platoon 2!Banzai!
PC for Platoon 1 is Mabel aka Marble
Pc for Platon 3 is Joyce
Three of us got what we wanted and we stay in our own Platoon
Logistic is Cleo
Admin is Xp
Programmers are Veronica and Charmaine
Congrats to all NCOs
I was quite surprised that Daryl become the ASM instead of CSM
But Trevor got it
Though expected the 2 of them to get the top 2 post
So dao lo the both of them T_T
Sheryl and Jacelyn,don't be sad cos u get none ok?Cheer up
Veron Cleo and Xp,u guys shud be glad that you're all in the NCO council can?There are ppl who couldn't get anything leh
Though I'm not one to talk
Blame for saying that I wanted PC during the interview
Oh well what's done is done
CHEER UP PPL

2008-03-19T06:42:00.000-07:00

Today was quite fun
Though I've been lacking of sleep,resulting in me not concentrating much during lessons
But it's not as bad
Enrolment soon!
So fast PASSING DOWN le...
Doubt I'll get any post
And I dun want them as well? ahaha

Anyway today we went to church do do something for Jaslyn 'cos she's steppind down already?
And she's nice!
I miss going home with her!
OK sidetracked abit
Yep we did some art stuff
And quite shocked?
Cos can see Lopez (the friendlier side outside parade)
Lol then sketch my backview without my permission
And also added rank to Chang Yen
She was so happy to be a momentary Staff Sergeant
LOLS! That was quite unexpected for me

Sigh but then another thing
I dunno what I'm feeling lately
Hope everything is fine for you?
Dun wanna get worried anymore
Like heck I'm gonna care about you anymore!

Training tommorow...
And my knee joint is aching again
Very scared something happened
Cy and Qy say I might have overstrained them due to trainings without decent rests
But I'll get them after enrolment right?
Pls say yes
Or else I might not be able to walk anymore

2008-03-17T05:12:00.000-07:00

ONE THING ABOUT THIS BLOG!
KEEP THESE THINGS HERE! AND ONLY HERE!
And about the blogskin
ITS GROSS
Anyone who can help moi change????

2008-03-17T04:34:00.000-07:00

Going into a state of depression soon I guess
I may be still smiling on the outside
But inside,I'm crying out for something

Cold,selfish,uncaring,heartless,too serious,too prideful in everything I do
That's the thing I hate the most of myself
Such ugly and revolting characters

Kyo wa ne,I sorta 'surveyed' 3 ppl
The question was: Which one do you think is more selfish?(1)to keep your own problem,worries,troubles to yourself without telling anyone & get stressed up,end up worrying ppl (which is unexpected)or (2)share everything out and might ended up troubling them with MY OWN problems and stuff,just to make myself better?
Shall not say the names of those,shall i??

Ans 1.(3) self created way,tell half,keep half.Like simple problems can say. Complicated stuff don't say,but can tell also but must solve faster then him (3)= (1)+(2)... It's quite impossible I think...Haha

Ans 2.(2).It is unfair to the other party,esp when it doesn't concern them at all.It may had been better for you (*moi),but not for them obviously.Sharing and chatting are fine but don't expect solutions or ask what to do.It just adds on their burden and gave them more stress.Personally,I believe in this as well.That's why I REFUSED to tell you both.But it seems that noone understand besides these 3 person who I asked?But kinda expected since these 3 are probably the closest to me(though the 1st one doesn't really make sense but I get it somehow)...I'm a tough nut to crack,you see...I don't ever want to burden others of my own stuff.It's mine to begin with.But this end up straining friendships.Darn it

Anyway,ans 3.None since both are selfish.For (1),your friends would be worried if you don't tell them anything (which is so very true)& you (*moi here) would blow up one day because too stressed.Then you blowing up might hurt other (which is definitely so).For (2),it's good to share but you shouldn't expect solutions from them (which is not what I hoped as well) & ask about their problems too.That way they won't feel as though that only you always pouring out to them & only them comforting you.This one make sense the most.Yeah both are selfish,I just realised that after I got this feedback today.

So selfish of me,only thinking about myself all the time
Not about others
Xp also reminded me that during the kukup trip,even though he tried talking to me already,she emphasised that "I'm very cold"...
I guess I'm just staking too much pride on myself
Which is wrong
Too cold and uncaring at times
Mean and heartless at times
I know that but I still doesn't change
I feel so hypocrytic (sp??)
Xp also said there area actually ppl who are concerned and worried about me
And seems that I'm in a state of denial? And maybe taking them for granted
Too dependent on others' kindness?
Mo wakaranai

My mind is wrecked
I just want to say thanks for those who were concerned and showing them
Though I sorta throw them away?Just like that?
Dumb moi
And I'm grateful for those ppl?And wanna apologise for everything
I'm making everyone looked bad and I'm the good one
When it's the opposite?Hah...
So sorry

Life is so complicated
Our ratio is too high to be comprehended
I dun want,because of this problem that lies with me to affect friendships and stuff
I think I'm really REALLY NOT good with people
Especially when they are being too nice to me
It's so weird and unusual?
For me that is

Long and naggy post eh?

2008-03-16T05:52:00.000-07:00

This holiday doesn't feel like one
Busy with so many stuff that I don't even have time for myself
Couldn't even relax myself since too many things are in my mind
And lately,been quarreling with quite a number of people
And they make it sounds like everything is my fault
Well,it takes 2 hands to clap
Don't just blame it all on me
And I'm not asking you to worry about me
And it's totally my freedom whether I want to tell you stuff or not
If you don't wanna care anymore,fine with me
But don't get angry 'cos you're the one who wanted so
SO STOP BLAMING ME LIKE EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT
EVERYONE!
I thought some people were different from the rest
But I was wrong
You're all the same type of ppl
Those annoying kind
And not understanding enough
Mayber it's just me

DAKARA! I'm waiting for that someone who can understand me completely
Bear with me all the way to come
I hope that my ooji-sama will come soon ><
'cos I'm sick and tired of all these and pesterings already

2008-03-16T05:35:00.001-07:00

Feeling quite edgy lately
Too stressed I guess...
Sigh... SO troublesome and burdening

People says I take things too seriously
Too childish,nice to bully
Heartless
Its like everyone has something against moi

At indo,got bullied
In sgp,the same thing happens
In school,air rifle,girls' brigade,church (which is the most bearable one)
No matter where I go,I'll get picked on,bullied
Yeah I may shrug it off,laugh it off
But you know what?
I have a heart that can feel hurt etc

People say I have a baby face,looked childish and immature
Need to lose some weight etc
Short (which I myself didn't like)
Fierce
Curtain hair
Other not very nice to hear stuff
Whatever you may say
Yeah it's true
You guys are damn right
So what about it?
You got a problem with that then say it straight in my face and not at my back
What are you guys? Sisi? Cowards?

I don't get offended with your comments since they are true
But what the heck? Tell other people like the juniors for what?!
Let them see and determine themselves!
Freaking nice of you guys
It's not like I'm accountable to them
You're like tarnishing my name?
If they want to say that I am one,so be it after they've seen it themselves
I don't need you to gossip about my character
So what if I'm fierce?Short?Weird hairstyle if you want to say it?
Fine I'll take it since I took some of the comments nicely already
It's all about the approach and tone
And yours ended up insulting and provoking others
Unsensitive
Blockheads
Airheads

Bagde Camp

2008-03-10T03:06:00.000-07:00

Badge camp is officially over today!
Super duper tiring
And I think I overexert my knee joints till I can barely walk
Or should say limping half of the time
Super pain!
And yet we still have to stand still while waiting for the officers to FINISH DISCUSSING their plans =.= THX

1st day-I can't really remember anything much besides doing the first aid badgework which is intriguing I think?
Copied over 6 pages of notes
I can do a bit of first aid now!!!YATTA!
During the breaks,as usual Chang Yen started the scandal rumour -.-
And we finally get to see who San Mao is! (Samuel)
Demo demo!We can't bully her,'cos later BB officer scold us :p
MWAHAHAHAHA revenge for giving me a new surname
Then we have to sleep on air mattress due to cold weather and we cannot sleep on the floor!We have one mattress for ourselves each!But not for long
That was the 1st time I've ever slept on air mattress...
Agak norak,maklum lah

2nd day
We woke up at 6.30,fall in at 7.30
Quite slack so far
In the afternoon we went to Red Cross Home for the Disabled
It was an eye opener
There were many ppl who aren't as fortunate as us
Born perfectly alright
We should be grateful for our fit and perfect body
And not disabled till you can't understand speech,or even move
But can only moan groan cry or smile
It's quite saddening
I had to feed them for the Service Learning badgework
Had some difficulty 'cos I'm not that wen rou (gentle)
But!Josephine said I was so gentle and serious while feeding them
So surprised!
Then Veron,Li Ying,Chang Yen,Ruth,Rachel,Josephine and moi went to clean the backyard and main entrance since the games cannot be executed due to their inability
Didn't manage to really converse to some who can still talk
'cos'I'm quite anti-social
At 1 plus,we went back to Unity Sec
Then DRILL STAGE 2!!!
It's been a while! So fun!!!
But my knee cannot make it
Was sort of limping half way
Then came GOH enrolment training
'cos we only have about 2 more weeks = to 2 more trainings
But we haven't finalise the moves yet
So it was rush and...Killing for my knee joints
Surprisingly this camp provide good food
After that we have a bit more of drills and then COMMENCE TO CPR!
Quite fun though only have theory lesson
This night we had to share our air mattreeses
I dun mind giving in really
But LTC IS FOR WAD?!!
Its supposed to be the most torturous camp!
Then they can sleep on air mattress,no pumping or hundreds of jumping jacks etc
Then when we voice out only,officers say we complaining
We were only giving feedbacks
As we find it somehow unfair
Its about we DUN WAN TO GIVE IN OR WAD
So that means last year we suffered,got tortured,treated like dogs for nothing?!
And most importantly,GOT RASHES For nothing??
It's not ltc at all then
NOT FAIR
ARGH PUTTING THAT ASIDE...

Last day,which is today
Quite the same as the 2nd day
We had to change to full u,change back to pe attire and change back to full u again and repeat
So fun siah =.=
ARGH dun want to talk about this le...
Only get me more heated up
Anyway! Its finally over
Let me just put this issue at the back...
And not be bothered by it

I WANNA WATCH THE MOVIE L CHANGED THE WORLD!!!!
XP!!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-06T03:57:00.000-08:00

Drill is killing moi!
So tiring =.=
My grades...degraded to so many Bs
And only 2-3 As?
Darn it!I want my at least 6 As back!!!!
MY ONLY HAPPINESS TO PROVE MY WORTH HAS FALLEN
Gosh I sounded so drama -.-
TT_TT

I caused one person to be late for AAC training today?
Indirectly without me knowing
'cos of my boots...
GOMENASAI!
I didn't mean it...
I'll pay back the favor.. Really,seriously,honestly

Anii!! You are way smarter than me ok?!
So stop saying the other way round

------

2008-03-03T01:52:00.000-08:00

BUAHAHAHA. this is a very nice, shan liang person here
helping feilicia to change her blog's link.
not spamming kay,i am nice.
and i miss blogger. oh man, its like so long since i last post already and i miss this box thing where i can write posts
awww man.
anyway, happy evening/morning/night,

going off. (this is NOT spamming)
the very nice person, xinping(:

2008-03-03T01:30:00.000-08:00

I PASSED MY A MATHS TEST!!!
OMG IT'S A MIRACLE!!!

T_T but man...
I got bullied by the class
They ganged up to bulyy me
SO mean of them!!!
I shall get my revenge!!!!
Why only bully me
Stupid Daniel for messing my hair
Stupid Yuen Kai for flicking and hitting my head
Stupid Yi Ren for hitting my head and abducting my hairbands
Stupid Louisse for abducting my clips and hitting my head
I don't want to grow shorter!!! NOOOOO

Veron,let's gang up and bully them tmrw

2008-03-01T17:35:00.001-08:00

"You had on the same smile
Even though the years have piled upon us
Impatient, we ignore the scenery passing by

Throw away your useless pride
Show kindness to the world

I gotta say
Even if we put on a courageous facade
We cannot live alone
The promise you made that day
Remains deep within my heart even now

Partings and meetings
Finding light walking down new roads
Since the day we were born
This repetition has linked us together

When did you and I
Acquire such differing futures?

I gotta say
Even if we're far apart and never meet again
There is a strong bond between us
"Let my dreams come true"
I pray from the bottom of my heart
We're friends forever
Let's pledge to meet again
Swear on it
We're going to walk forward
Toward an unseen destination
Even if we're lost
We'll continue
No matter what

Amid the changing seasons
And the flow of time
Familiar melodies
Even when we grow old
They won't fade away
Our precious memories

I gotta say
Even if we put on a courageous facade
We cannot live alone
The promise you made that day
Remains deep within my heart

As life goes on...
Because we mustn't forget Yeah
Don't let it go...

This wide world or the people you hold dear"

I find this lyric quite meaningful...
Another random post XD

2008-03-01T04:44:00.000-08:00

Man...
I wanna change to a MORE SUITABLE blogskin but I dunno how...
=.= urgh...HELP

WARNING: pls pls DUN LEAK MY BLOG ADDRESS WITHOUT MY PERMISSION
Firstly,I want to make this blog a personal one
I will tell you if I want to
But! If you happened to find it...
No choice...But KEEP THIS TO YOURSELF
And DO NOT DISPLAY IT UNDER YOUR BLOGS' LINK
THX

Today I took plenty of pictures!
B'cos of the whole day museum trip!
The royal palace is so darn cooL!
And pretty!An eye opener
Man...If only moi could upload them here...
Sigh T_T

Anyway...
The part concerning my feelings
Are still left unsettled
My grades are already dropping
I dun want it to drop even more due to my feelings
But...It's already affecting
So what if I accept my feelings?
Will it affect me even more?
Or is it for the better?
I'm living in denial -.-
That's why I dunno what to do
What should I do?
But since you decided already
So let it be
I'm not gonna say anything
Just let me go through this naturally
By getting over you slowly
And buck up in my studies!!!!
KUSO!!! MY GRADES!!!
Domo

2008-02-29T04:33:00.000-08:00

What is this that I'm feeling?
I'm angry over something which is of no big deal to me before
Yes I never liked people ignoring me
But never to the extend that I'd get angry or frustrated over it
That is so unlike me

Your approach was wrong
You did it in a manner which i never liked
I dunno why I got slightly rilled over it
You told me you needed some space to cool
Fine,I'll give it to you
I won't bother you,that I can do
But the very sight of you spoil my day somehow

No I don't want to like you
I wanna concentrate on my studies
But feelings can't be controlled right?
So just let it be...
Who can wait for this kind of thing?
No I doubt you will
People have to move on
So I'll probably wait till can forget your very existence
It'll take time...
So I need the space too
Not to see you or talk to you
Ignore you all I want
I'll give you back the treatment you gave me
I don't want to be bothered by you
Nor think the slightest about you
Never

2008-02-25T00:43:00.001-08:00

CT was a disaster
I did horribly =(
WANNA CRY!!!
My ranking...
Definitely drop
COmpetition so tough
I can't catch up
Especially with people bothering me
I want to concentrate on my studies
That's the most important thing
Don't take so much of my time already
Right now,my priority is my studies
Nothing else
Wait if you want....
I don't think it'll ever change my thinking?
Haha

Anyway!!!!
I'm in double GOH!!!
The training is killing me...
And I have to keep seeing your face there...
I don't want to play the devil but I guess I have no choice eh?
MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
The AKUMA(DEMON) HAS ARRIVED!!!!

2008-02-25T00:35:00.000-08:00

It's good to be loved
The feeling is nice

But I don't like it too
Another contradictory eh?
I think you are occupying every of my time
For studies,friends, and my time alone

Yes you've helped me plenty
When I'm down,you're there
But I just want my freedom back
I don't want you to disrupt anymore of my studies
And let you 'waste' my time
I realised that I'm not cut out for this yet
And I still prefer my single-hood
And I really mean SINGLE
I want to be like when,even if I'll always be alone
No, wait...
I do like this but
You are somehow bothering me a TAD too much
Guess I should play the devil again
By crushing someone else's heart
And not try to be super nice and ended up even worse than a devil

All in all,I still prefer my style
Of being alone
And not to be bothered by people
Till it affect my studies
Of course I would want company,someone loving me
But this is too much
This is not what I had hoped for

I should be more than contented
With the everlasting love You've always showered me
Help me to overcome such situation
I pray...

2008-02-22T18:49:00.001-08:00

HAHAHAHAHA
OrE! I think I'm good at picking a fight with older people eh?!
Should say that I'm proud of it!
Sarcasticly!

Let it give them a HYPER DUPER impression on me
Like I would care about it
Well I DO! BUT oh what the heck
I can't be bothered by it
NO,I musn't be
Quite a contradicting thinkin,ain't it?

Since forever and yesterday
I've been quite
I mean extremely PISSED
By: 1.People who are having EXTREME MAJOR ATTITUDE PROBLEM
2.People who have stuck up and selfish attitude
3.Someone older who I'm picking a fight with despite of my warning and got entertained

1.I got reprimanded,I mean WE got reprimanded,for something which is not entirely our fault.
Yes we did it last minute
BUT IT WAS YOU SENIORS who put the notice extremely late
And didn't inform us about our duty
WHAT?!
You expect us to be mind reader?!
And you expect us to find a radio like in 1 days time?!
WHAT THE HECK!
You didn't inform us
And you only blame us
HOW FAIR! THX,YOU ARE SO UNDERSTANDING AND NICE
You told us if we cannot handle it,we can tell 2nd power holder
Not trying to make you guys look even worse but
YOU WOULD ONLY TELL US TO FIND THE SOLUTION OURSELF!
IT'd BE A MIRACLE IF YOU WOULD HELP US
AFTER ALL IT WOULD BE OUR DUTY,LIKE WHAT YOU WOULD SAY
YOU only want to look nice,kind and understanding
YUCK!
And anger me the most is this ,"No answer.WANNA RUN TO THE GATE IS IT?!!"
Would you not be pissed after this?

2.YOU! Yes YOU!
Don't want to reply my messages,can
BUT DON'T EXPECT ME TO REPLY YOU AS WELL
I'll give the same dose of medicine you gave,back to yourself
What attitude! 1. & 2. YOUR ATTITUDE SUCKS TO THE CORE
You only sms me when you're bored and only reply when you wanna ask a question
SORRY I WON'T BE SUPER NICE TO ENTERTAIN YOU ANYMORE,PAL

3.Ok,first I'm already pissed by the 2 factors
Then you came,not knowing so I shouldn't really blame you, with some annoying content in the sms
So I tried my best to entertain you since I'm quite nice (yea right!)
But then later on you asked a weird and rather not very nice to hear kind of thing
It get me pretty annoyed
And you got quite annoyed by my answer as well
Though you didn't really wanna show it,I'm sensitive enough to feel it
So I got even more pissed off
Later in msn,you asked
I gave you one word answer
Then you asked what happened
I didn't want to tell bços I'll get even more heated up if I were to tell you
But you insisted and called
Fine I'll entertain you.
I've warned you that I might get even more heated up already,but you insisted
So be it then
And end up I really got more angry
After I told you,you get overly sensitive and asked some sensitive questions which I don't really like
Later on in the convo,I warned you that I might get offensive as in trying to pick a fight and suggest he stopped talking to me till I'm at peace already
But you said it's ok and told me to bring it on
A challenge isn't it?
I know it was not to be taken seriously
But I'm already heated up
So I really sounded as if I picking a fight
Then you asked! "Eh you really trying to pick a fight with me is it?"
DUH!!! I'VE BLOODY WARNED YOU!!!
Now it sounded even more like both of us trying to pick a fight with each other
WHAT THE HECK
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN DON'T TALK TO ME!!!

DARN YOU ALL
I'm gonna listen to classical music to chill...

2008-02-16T03:48:00.000-08:00

OMG
I think I'm falling in love all over again with D.Gray Man!!!
Allen Walker is so so cute
And kakkoi!
And so suteki!

random entry!
He is so so cool! and handsome!
Too bad he's not reaL =(

What is love?

2008-02-16T02:22:00.000-08:00

This word is so common
You hear ppl very nook and corner declaring this
Especially on valentines eh?

But...this word...has two meanings,no?
Is it the kind you only felt momentarily?
Selfish love?Or selfless love?

This is so complex
Sometimes I wonder...
Do they know what on earth they are saying?
The words they are saying?

The 'love' in this world are mostly selfish love
They love because they are lacking of love,be it parental love or in the society,and hope to receive it in return
To fill the emptyness they couldn't fill

Another thing
Feeling is a part of love
But love with only feelings are not really love
It needs the commitment and sacrifice

This is what I learnt today

7 habits or tendency that will lead to fatal dating:
-dating tends to skip the friendship stage.They just 'hooked' themselves even though they know nothing much of the other party.You musn't musn't skip this b'cos this an important step,to know who you are dating with well enough.
-dating often mistakes with physical relationships.I bet you know what 'physical' means,right?
No need for me to spell it out right?
-dating isolates the couple from other vital relationships,for examples friendships.You tend to neglect your friends and family.Remember this,no matter what you are still a friend to someone, a daughter or a son to a parent.
-dating distracts them from preparing towards the future.Feels as if it would be best if time stopped forever?
-belittle the gift that certain Someone has given us,the state of singleness.Being single
ain't that bad ya know?There's benefits and happiness of being single!THERE'S MORE FREEDOM!Use it to serve HIM!! Don't us teenagers want freedom? The proper freedom i mean.So shouldn't feel bad or have a concept that being in a relationship will definitely give you happiness.
-dating creates artificial environment, you can't see the bad points of your date,somehow like an obssesion?
-it becomes an end,not moving backward nor forward,stagnant

If you're not ready to commit,don't be involved in a relationship

True love patient and sincere
And perfectly(because we have received the perfect love from HIM!) imperfect (because we are imperfect humans)

Ask me for more! If you really want to know,that is... =)=)=)=)=)=)=)

Living in my own past

2008-02-06T03:17:00.000-08:00

I'm pissed
With people and myself
Guess I'm disappointed at both

Someone told me "this is not about learning lessons..
its bout picking yourself up
you're just a coward living in your own past..
not facing up to your problems directly..
and facing the world everyday with that glum and awful face of yours..
and when other people have different views..
you think everyone's of a same kind and fails to try again..
and as always there's always someone who care for you..
from deep within their hearts..
life is full of setbacks..
you gave up on yourself..
dun give me'...' cause you should be disgusted by the way you look at yourself..
face life positively.."

Ya I'm a coward living in my own past
Unable to let go,trapped inside
But think, you think I've never tried to get out of there?
Do you think I liked it there?Being like this?
Do you know? The many times I tried getting myself out of there,
there are noone to support me?
Instead they pushed me back,locked me inside that cage
I wanted so much
To let all go
But that very moment I had those thoughts,
My friends proved me wrong
Unconsciously or consciously,its the same not?

Maybe what I do is always wrong
My method is wrong
My actions are wrong
The way I expresses things are wrong
Everything I do is wrong
And nothing I do is ever right to the others I know

Let them see all the bad sides of me
And let them say whatever things that they want too...
I,on the other hand,will do what I can to get things straight

I am who am I.Don't take me as some other person nor compare me to others

2008-02-01T03:44:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm disappointed?
After all,people are comparing me to others?
I am me.I'm not that other person
Stop comparing me to her
She's not me,so she's definitely not like me
I hate it the most when people compare me with others
Saying,"She's much more gentle than you."
So what? This is how I expresses things
If you got a problem with me not being gentle,fine.
Don't socialize with me,don't be friends with me.
I'm fine being alone.Pretty used to it and it doesn't matter
I thought you were different than the rest
Well I guess being gentle on the outside appeal to guys alot?
Gosh,I sound like I'm in love with that person or something?
But actually I don't.Not at all,just a good friend

However,I am so not gonna let this affect me
Since it's usual for me to be called rough or violent and stuff
But hello! You hit my head so hard,even if its a joke, so my reflex is to hit you back as well
And I'm not always like that ok?
WHATEVER
I really really detest others who are comparing me to some other person
First my parents,my relatives and now my friends
So where do you want me to turn to?

What i want is someone to accept me for the way I am,
and not comparing me,saying that who is better than me and stuff
Yes I know I HAVE flaws
But if you can't accept it and give me time to change,
I wouldn't call you as a true friend

Yesterday...And tomorrow

2008-01-26T03:39:00.000-08:00

I talked to sheryl plenty yesterday
And i found out that there is someone who actually felt the same way as I am(once in a lifetime)
I'm glad that she actually told me stuff like that
I feel the same way,like no one actually really accepts me for who I am (well,with one exception)
and that often,our efforts were all in vain
No one appreciates it and neither do they notice it
All they see are our weaknesses and refuses to see our strength
Its so disappointing
Also, we don't feel that we belong to anywhere most of the times
And so outcasted

Yes life is never fair
For example,some may not need to put in as much effort to do certain things and the result is so much better than those who put in alot of effort in the same thing.

Random thoughts:
failure is not an option?or shall i say happiness is not an option?
i'm a failure in many ways

This is life.Hell yeah

2008-01-26T03:13:00.000-08:00

I've had enough of these kind of thing
I'm so pissed already
Can't you realized that you are going to the extend of 'annoying' to ppl?
If she doesn't reply you,that means she doesn't want to tell ya,you get it?
So stop bothering me with all those freaking annoying questions!
As her good friend,I have the right for not telling you the entire reason because that is what she wishes for
So SHUT YOUR MOUTH and stop asking questions with regards to friday's event
you should have notice your surroundings too and not just noticing her
then you wouldn't have to ask anyone about what happened
it's plain annoying
To tell you the truth, I'd rather not tell you than making her unhappy with me for telling you the reason
If you like her that much,don't be such a coward tell her how you feel then!
FOR GOODNESS SAKE,WHY MUST EVERYTHING PILE UP AND MAKING MY LIFE IN SUCH A TERRIBLE MESS?!
I have my limit too
And you are pushing me past my limits already
You are just plain annoying
Ok maybe you are not so annoying all the time
But you're asking me at the WRONG TIME SINCE I'M STILL AFFECTED BY MY OWN PERSONAL STUFF
So blame your horrible timing
i already have things to handle, much more than i could handle in fact
and you are actually adding things that are not my concern at first into my mountainous(sp) pile of troubles
thx alot friend
curses